I Bought Kim Kardashian’s Selfie Book So You Don’t Have to

I bought Kim Kardashian’s selfie book. Now before you say to yourself, “Argh I don’t want to read this” or “I’m tired of hearing about this family” or “Who is the author of this article? She sounds like an idiot, why is she allowed to write about this?”, I want to give a disclaimer. Firstly, I bought it at a pre-sale price, and the $5 off somehow justified this spending even though I barely have a real income. Secondly, I was convinced it would make a funny coffee table book/ conversation piece.

11104072_10155560503750075_1865620830_nHowever when it came in the mail, hand delivered by North West herself (was that a dream?), I was confused about the small brown box. Did my 8 piece tweezer kit from China finally arrive after its 3 month shipping journey? NOPE. Little did I know that Kim’s Selfish had the exact dimensions of both her body and the Bible— small and thick. Not so much a coffee table book as religious reading material, one could place this on a pew in a Catholic church and a blind person would not know the difference.

My initial shock over the size itself dissipated as I began to thumb through this 445 page book. Her selfies are categorized by date, and a handy table of contents is provided at the beginning in case you have a hankering to get to 2009 Kim REAL FAST (which I strongly believe is a very important year for Kim because she starts ditching the velour tracksuits and stops wearing coloured eye shadow; an opinion I now have because I own this book).

Selfish is a simple book. My English literature degree is rendered useless while “reading” this. There are no metaphors, no literacy devices to analyze and no poetic quotes to underline. However, there is some strong character development that would make the most skilled author jealous. And by character development, I mean as soon as Kanye begins to pop up (Page 218), Kim’s style begins a steady incline. Some may say that Yeezy taught her…how to dress. 

11270104_10155560502405075_1104055123_nBesides the noticeable decrease of Juicy and an increase of Givenchy, the book is quite monotonous; which is a given considering it’s about the width of one of George RR Martin’s A Song of Ice and Fire books. Side note—love her or hate her, you know that if Kim lived in Westeros, that series would be 2 pages long. Kris Jenner would make her do a press junket (even Beyond the Wall because Kris knows Kim looks good in fur) and all the Lords and Wildings would bend their knee and claim their allegiance. Westeros would be renamed Westebasas (to remind Kim of her Calabasas roots), Alexander Wang would redesign the Iron Throne, and Ryan Seacrest would have another 10+ seasons as a producer under his belt.

To break up like all 7000 pics of Kim in heavy contour (which cannot be mimicked no matter how many Youtube tutorials you watch), she very cleverly inserted about 50 pages of her more “scandalous” pics smack dab in the middle of the book . She makes these easy to find if you’re just in it for her boobs—as the pages are contrasted in black against the rest of the “innocent” white ones. Kim’s selfies in the “Black pages” are nothing I haven’t seen before.

That being said, I love this section the most. Not because of her body (which is admittedly slammin’), but because there’s such a sense of ownership about them. It’s like she’s saying, “Yeah you’ve seen these pictures for free on the internet already? Great, now you’re going to pay me for them, thanks for buying my book YOU FOOL”. Kim knows she looks good in these pictures. And I know she looks good in these pics, and so does my entire extended family because I brought Selfish to Mother’s Day dinner in order to really cement my mother’s disappointment in me.   11292780_10155560502590075_1862070571_n

Kim’s Selfish currently sits on my book shelf amongst Penguin Classics. Whether we like it or not, it’s a cultural artifact. It perfectly represents this current wave of narcissism and idolization in social media. However, it also serves as a reminder of the ULTIMATE hustle, smart marketing and (regardless of how manufactured it may or may not be) a powerful example of unapologetic self-love.

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